About Me and My Pagan Mess

Hello! Welcome to my very first post on my new blog! If you haven’t already guessed from the tittle, I am Pagan. And I am also a mess. Not only can I not seem to keep anything in my house clean or remember where I need to be and when, I also have no idea what type of pagan I am. My beliefs are way up in the air and I’m okay with that right now. At least I know I’m pagan! It’s a good start but it’s taken me a while to get there.


Here’s the story of my spiritual journey so far…


    I grew up in the pacific northwest of the US. My childhood home is nestled up close to the forest, the neighborhood surrounds a cute pond that is regularly visited by ducks and the occasional goose, and the town is tucked into foothills. I have always enjoyed trips to the ocean, walks through the woods, and being out in the rain. As a child I liked making mud and collecting rocks.

    I was raised Christian. We always prayed before big meals like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. However, my family didn’t regularly attend church until I was in third grade. I happily accepted Christianity as my faith without much questioning. I enjoyed church, especially the worship music and days that energy was particularly high. The pastor of our nondenominational church was a very down to earth man, loving and accepting. I always enjoyed and took to heart the messages he had to share.

    A few years later I was baptized, entirely by my choice. At this point I sort of took my religion as a given. It was a part of me as much as the family name.

   …It is important to me to note that I was comfortable in the religion I grew up in. I never felt as though it was forced upon me or that it was inherently wrong for me. It never felt perfect but it still felt comfortable. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m not harmed by some lingering Christian dogma, but that’s a chat for another day. And that’s not saying that Christianity is a bad thing, it just turned out to not be right for me. Also a chat for another day…

    The summer between middle school and high school I went to a Christian summer camp. It was a fantastic time; full of connecting to people, spirit, and nature. It was an energy I had never felt before.

    During high school I got more and more busy. I was either at school, doing AP homework, or at dance classes or rehearsals. One of my sisters had soccer, the other dance and cheer. We were a busy family and church became less and less of a priority.

    When I went to college I knew I wanted to reconnect to my faith and find a church. I went to a few, some for a month or so. But none of them felt quite right and eventually I stopped searching. I no longer felt the need to find one and I was okay with that.

    My sophomore year of college I started seeing my current partner. He was (and still is) full of angst and stubbornness, and is very strong in who he is and what he believes. Like me, he also grew up in a Christian family, went to church, went to summer camp. But now, after going through rough times in his past, he calls himself an atheist – come to find out this isn’t entirely accurate but it is the label he is most comfortable with.

    Being with him sparked a side of me I had always wanted to see but never knew how to uncover. I started to question just about everything in my life. It was liberating. The biggest thing I questioned, which started almost just for fun, was my faith.

    Through allowing myself to question what I believed, I realized I didn’t really connect with the mythos of Christianity. I loved the general “be a good person” messages and the energy that was raised in a large group of people worshiping together. But I didn’t believe it was the be-all, end-all or ultimate truth. There wasn’t much holding me to such a specific faith anymore.

    I value the variety of faiths that exist in this world and have always been curious about them. I don’t think any one religion is better than another, we all are drawn to the pantheon and stories that make the most sense to us.

    At that point I stopped calling myself a Christian. It was freeing and felt very right. I didn’t give myself another label, but agnostic would have been a good one.

    College was crazy so I didn’t devote much time to exploring my faith after this point. The most exploration I did was learning a little here and there about Buddhism, something I had always been curious about and seemed to be a good fit for me.

    I continued learning about Buddhism after college, but found I was no longer drawn to it as much. I still wanted to learn, but not as intensely as before. My learning slowed and eventually stopped.

    Fast forward to August of 2018. I met some new friends and found out they were curious about Wicca and Witchcraft. I’ve always had a curiosity for Witchcraft and the occult. I think I ignored it previously because I was afraid of people judging me. Or maybe I just didn’t see a reason to pursue it. Regardless of the reason, I don’t think it had ever been the right time.

    In August things finally lined up. I had a random lighthearted conversation with my partner about how he doesn’t care what my spiritual beliefs are as long as I’m happy, then he joked about how I could even be a witch and that would be fine. Then I connected with my friends and started to consider a witchy path more seriously. Shortly after that I found an app that provided a wonderful community and seemingly endless amount of knowledge about witchcraft and paganism.

     I started to go down the rabbit hole that is the library of pagan information on the internet.

    It all lined up and felt right. I realized I am free to discover my own path. My own faith. I got my first few books and tools and started learning and practicing a little magic.

I still have a long ways to go in discovering my beliefs

Here’s what I know so far:

  • I am more comfortable with calling myself a pagan than a witch
  • As of now I am a pantheist – I refer to “The Universe” a lot
  • Colors hold meaning to me
  • Reincarnation and Karma are real things. But I’m not yet sure what they mean to me
  • There is power and balance in the elements
  • Balance is important
  • I am more likely to believe things that are backed by science
  • I am equally likely to believe something I have experienced first hand
  • I don’t feel the need to have fancy tools
  • If I don’t have something I’ll make it. If I can’t afford it or can’t make it, I don’t need it yet.
  • I want to read and learn a lot before I put myself in any sort of box
  • I will always be a curious skeptic

Here’s what I don’t know and would like to explore (this is definitely not an exhaustive list)

  • What the afterlife looks like to me
  • If I am okay with personifying aspects of nature as deities
  • If I want to call myself a witch
  • If I connect to a specific pantheon
  • What crystals mean to me
  • What type of path I want to follow
  • If I believe there are white, grey, and black classifications for magic
  • How much magic I want to practice
  • If I will find a path/label/faith or if I will always be more eclectic
  • How much of my journey and beliefs I should share with my family
  • If I need/want to be part of a coven or similar group
  • How to better use and rely on my intuition
  • My preferred method of casting a circle
  • if/when I need/want to cast a circle
  • If/how I want to celebrate Sabbats

It’s a long list and it is constantly growing. The more I learn, the more I have to learn

Now that you know about my journey, here’s why I want to share it with you.

I have a passion for helping and teaching people. I have always loved giving advice and sharing what I’ve learned. I know there are other people out there who have just as many questions about their faith as I do. My hope is that while I find my path, I can help others find theirs as well.

I want to research a wide variety of topics, the ones that I am interested in as well as the ones you are interested in. While my posts will not be from an expert, I think there is value in learning from a beginner’s perspective. I enjoy researching topics, if you wish to know where I get information from just ask! I will make a point to be open to corrections, I’m here to learn too!

I will attempt to be as unbiased as possible. But bias is inevitable. I’m pagan, not inhuman.

Don’t be afraid to contact me with questions or new topics for me to research!

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